Myers Family Lessons

I wrote this for my parents' 40th wedding anniversary. These are random things I've learned from my parents, ways they have influenced me, or things they always told me that turned out to be true. I'm not sure why this would be interesting (or "intersting", ref. Mike Myers) to anyone who doesn't know my family, but since it's all about me on here, here we go:

Myers' Family Lessons:

• Chopped apples in tuna fish is delicious. It tastes better than it sounds. You also might want to try a glass stuffed with Nilla wafers, filled with milk, then crushed and eaten with a spoon. Or shredded chicken mixed with flavored yogurt. It looks like someone already ate it but it is delicious as well. We are really weird. Maybe I should stop here...

Nah...

• I speed.

• I'd rather find my own way than ask for directions.

• I love having breakfast for dinner. I love breakfast anytime, really.

• James Taylor is almost always situation-appropriate.

• Every kid gets a nickname.

• Sisters are always on the same side.

• I admire people who are the same in public as they are in private.

• I value correct grammar.

• I have a lot of faith in teenagers.

• I think the body of Christ is a great idea on God's part, and I see it as family I am willing to love no matter how petty and dysfunctional it may be sometimes.

• I think vitamins are pretty powerful.

• Don't drink lemonade when you are really thirsty.

• A walk after dinner is good for you.

• Even though you really really crave it, you shouldn't eat a huge bowl of cereal right before bed, no matter how good it sounds.

• Just because someone is very passionate about something does not mean they are right.

• Relationships take a lot of hard work, especially healthy ones.

• It really truly won’t matter who you ate lunch with in high school. High school is NOT the best time of your life. It gets better!

• It’s ok to deeply love pets. How you treat animals reveals a lot about you.

• There are few friends who don’t share your faith who will last a lifetime. Invest in the ones who share that most important thing with you.

• You really don’t need a credit card to get by. There are people out there who are after your money, so you need to watch it closely and know where it all goes.

• Amos 3: Sometimes it’s a good thing to end friendships, even if they are old friends and it’s painful.

• It’s good to not agree about everything. People who say hard things to your face and nice things behind your back are people you can trust.

• A lot of times, a crisis will die down if you just stop talking about it.

• The best thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do.

• The importance of knowing how to properly clean a garage, wash a dog, mow a yard, mop a floor, clean a toilet, load a dishwasher, shovel a driveway, budget money, follow instructions, manage time, resolve conflict, work on a team, and make at least one great meal.

• You cannot change, convince, convict, or control anyone else unless they let you.

• Do not let anyone else change or control you.

Classes I Needed But Never Got in Seminary

I wrote this years ago and just now uncovered it. All entries are inspired by true stories...

Classes I Needed in Youth Ministry but Never Got in Seminary:

Geometry: You have 60 teenagers going on a week long mission to Colorado where they will sleep on the floor. You will be bringing all your own food and over half the group is female – what size trailer do you need?

Fashion: Creating a wardrobe that is respectable, polished, and professional, but is still casual, accessible, and youth-friendly.

Public Relations: Determining how much candy to buy in order for it to be ok for 60 teenagers to use the 7-11 restrooms without damaging your witness. Also includes basic information on how to golf and who to go with, which covers over a multitude of sins.

Communications: Is there a language that both parents and teenagers speak? Also includes how to affectively teach teenagers and parents at the same time, and how to help parents understand what their child is saying, and vice versa.

Accounting: Creating a budget that accounts for lost receipts, kids who want to go on events but can’t afford to, volunteer appreciation and unexpected bus break-downs. Information on why a simple bottom-line number is not enough and “ballpark figures” do not count.

Engineering: How to load a trailer so that everything fits, nothing is crushed, and the first aid box and Adderall are by the door.

Public Safety: What to do when your bus breaks down on the shoulder of I-35 and the kids need a safe place to wait outside before the sun hits the 7th grade boys in the back of the bus.

Home Ec: How to create appropriate outfits out of the clothing packed by your high school girls, and creating balanced meals for up to 100 kids accounting for various food allergies and moral stands against meat.

Physical Education: How to offset a ministry diet of pizza, chips and salsa and frappuccinos and what to do when one van of freshmen boys has had 8 energy drinks in the last 2 hours. Also includes basic instructions understanding, adapting, and refereeing football, basketball, volleyball, and dodgeball.

Basic First Aid: When your class information on how to ref dodgeball fails you.

Law Enforcement: Why it’s not OK to tape a sign to the van window that says “Bomb on Board”, and what to do when your volunteer driver gets pulled over and waved out of the driver’s seat at gunpoint.

Algebra: If you are hosting an event for 200 teenagers, and knowing that soda comes in packs of 24, hot dogs in packs of 8, and hot dog buns in packs of 10, how much food do you buy? Extra credit for chips and cookies.
Also, if A = number of vehicles on a trip, B = Amount of liquid consumed, C = hours the trip should take, and X equal number of mothers on the trip, then AxB/C over X = Number of total stops on trip.

Cryptography: Communicating with teenagers via Instant message, text message, or Blog.

Chemistry: Is it OK for a 15 year old boy to swallow his Ritalin with Red Bull?

Is blogging arrogant?

I'm staring at the screen really wondering about this. The fact that I feel free to put personal thoughts (well, sort of personal) out into cyberspace, assuming that people are sitting on the edge of their seats waiting to read about what's going on in my life, should tell you a lot about me. It should probably tell you that I would really rather type all this out than talk on the phone to everybody, and it should probably tell you that I have way too much free time in the summer. It should also tell you that I am procrastinating doing something I really don't want to do, or that I am trying to listen to something on my computer and I needed something tactile to do. It might tell you that I really think my life is fascinating and I think it would bless you to know about it. It also might tell you that I have been reading way too much Chuck Klosterman. Thinking about this makes me feel bad about people who blog and blog and blog and no one ever reads it or comments on it, and their blog is like some silent scream for companionship or approval or just some hope for an echo. Sometimes I'll hit the "View Next Blog" button just so people get hits on their profile. Turns out this is really dangerous, so I don't really do that very often anymore. I accidentally wandered into some weird alternate reality involving heroes from Disney movies. I don't want to talk about it. Anyway, I am procrastinating so... thanks for coming out tonight! You guys are great! Yeah it's arrogant.

An aging youth minister goes to the movies

Years ago, when I was in a movie theater, waiting in anticipation of not thinking about myself for 2 whole hours and immersing myself in someone else’s problem so I could leave thinking my life is really not that bad, I wouldn’t mind when a huge group of middle school kids walked in laughing and sat right behind me after doing the trying-to-sit-by-the-right-person-accidentally-on-purpose-dance in the aisle. I would shake my head when they put their feet on the back of my chair, I would smirk at other adults when they answered their phones after the lights went down, and I would debate to myself whether or not to warn them when an angry man would leave the theater to go tell management on them. They were just misunderstood and drunk on the free hours out from under their mother’s eye. Maybe they secretly met up with the hottest guy at Lincoln Middle after changing into the cutest long-sleeved midriff sweater from Abercrombie in the bathroom at the theater after making their dad drop them off outside Sears so no one would see them. Maybe they are test-driving a flatiron and mascara for the first time tonight or the final loss of the babyfat. I delighted to watch these giggling, hormonal, indestructible, fearless little heartbeats who hadn’t been denied or truly wounded yet. It was really funny to me, and oddly comforting knowing that I was superior to all the other adults in the theater because I knew how to communicate with a 13-year-old mass of hormones, that I understood their world, their language, their music, and all the other grown-ups had fallen out of good will with that fountain of all coolness – youth culture.
Tonight when 8 middle school children walked into the lush new dinner IMAX theater, with over-priced dinners, tickets, and leather chairs, specifically designed to ostracize those attending movies on babysitting money and allowances, my attitude fell several degrees. For I, too, had just shelled out $25 for a ticket, a chicken sandwich and a Coke, hoping for some peace and quiet and a little entertainment. I did not think front row seats to the Back to School drama production “Britney and Brody go to the movies” was worth $25. But, I sat there seething and glaring at them in the dark as they colored their names, schools, grad year and smiley faces onto the counter with a bouquet of Sharpies attached to a key chain, while they chatted and texted their friends who were grounded, while they obviously ignored the 4 boys sprawled across 8 seats, who were ignoring the girls right back but talking loudly enough to be heard by all, who were holding their pants up with one hand and flipping their cool surfer-dude hair out of their eyes. I didn’t tell the manager because that would seem like a betrayal since I love teenagers… right?
Maybe we all just reach an age where it is just too much work to be young and cool. We wear what we have to, what we can afford, what the office dictates; we go to bed as soon as we can; we learn words like FICA and “diversify”, and we suddenly become sincerely interested in whatever product cleans our kitchen the fastest. We are still a little surprised that who we expect to see in the mirror no longer looks out at us, and what was once beautiful or handsome has faded into common, shades of gray. At some point the veil of years and experience clouds the person we all think we really are and we feel that we are globally deeply misunderstood – it is perhaps only then that we realize what we truly lost. Maybe that is why we are so annoyed by teenagers, because they remind us of what we have lost. For I too was once kicked out of theaters.

For Adelle

I am a list person. I have a whole book of lists, and I don't know if my mom was a list-maker or something, but it is strangely satisfying for me. I've been cataloguing some lessons learned this year, and I'm sure as I grow nostalgic in the heat of the blessed summer, I will add to it, but for meow, here are some things I never really knew before:

• I am capable of eating an entire meal in 15 minutes and not getting heart burn, not visiting the facilities for 5 hours straight, and commanding 80 7th graders on 4 hours of sleep or less.
• In the eyes of a 7th grader in Haltom City, using big words like "society" and "association" is "showing off".
• You are not supposed to laugh out loud at your students when they pronounce the name "Beatrice" phonetically as "beat rice". Or when they come into your room running and surf your door mat into the nearest table.
• Turns out lots of women never really grow out of that teenage girl clique/cat fight thing.
• Turns out I CAN be insulted to my face and not overreact.
• I think the whole world feels about 15 degrees warmed to me than the average person. My room is known as "The Meat Locker", but I sure don't have a problem with dress code.
• The Outsiders is just as good 40 years after it was written.
• Middle School is exactly the same was it was when I did it the first time. The social groups just have different names.
• Yes your teachers were talking about you.
• Teachers in inner-city schools bond like soldiers in a war. Well, maybe not EXACTLY like soldiers in a war. But close.
• Teachers like it when you call them mean and hard. It means they are doing their job.
• I'm looking forward to when I can be the tough-but-fair teacher, but since 7th graders are advocates of all personal justice, I'm not sure it's possible.
• I'm also not sure kids realize adults have emotions, and what they say matters. It's weird to see it from this side of the desk.

OK there is a quick list. I'm sure I will have more as the kids who got suspended drift back in just in time for the TAKS test...

What I learned at a middle school dance

Tonight was my first time as an official sponsor/fun sucker at a middle school dance. My feet hurt and my ears are still ringing, but I had to get this down so maybe you can take a quick trip back to the smell of cheap cologne, new rubber shoes, stale gym and spray tan. Recall the sight of hair gelled to a fine point by the boys and sprayed into careless curls by the girls. Remember the weird feeling of being at school in the dark? It feels just the same as a teacher, except the reaction isn't "Isn't this weird? It looks so different and and it's kind of exciting!" to "I cannot believe I have been here this long and I'm a little scared to walk out to my classroom at night." So, as a list person, I bring you a brief list of lessons learned at a 6th-8th grade dance:

1. It is very difficult to drop it like it's hot in an Easter dress.
2. It is also very hard to pop-and-lock to "Journey".
3. If you are a boy and choose to dance with a girl, prepare for others to gather around you and stare. Especially if she is taller than you are.
4. Whatever makes you the coolest cat in the crib at a middle school dance will also automatically make you the biggest dork at a high school one.
5. More "Axe" does not equal a shower! Who is telling the boys this? Stop it!
6. There is no shock quite like watching 12 year olds grinding. Up until tonight I still saw them as little innocent kids to some degree, and I knew part of that would be gone after the dance. And it is. It's a kind of sad, overwhelmed, hopeless feeling, because who is there to tell these kids to hold on to that innocence, that's it's ok to not know what everyone else is talking about, to still be grossed out by that, to be a little bit scared of her, and to prefer holding his hand? How do you explain that? I'm starting to think that many of these kids never had that innocence to start with and so never had the chance to lose it or miss it. Someone never kept it safe for them and that makes me mad.
7. Most kids will apologize sincerely and profusely in private for something they thought was cool and hilarious in front of their friends. Especially when they have accidentally flipped off a teacher while a circle of peers gathered around to watch them "serve" another dancer. When I could keep from laughing, I pulled said server aside and asked him if I could interest him in a referral this evening. He declined and apologized at length and called me "ma'am". When did that happen?

So, as they take off their dancing shoes and wipe off the glitter, I'm only praying they will shower with soap and sleep the exhausted sleep of the young and naive, at least for a little while longer.

First day of school '08

It took me a while to figure out where I hid that blog I started last spring after New York. I lost the password and everything, but here we are!

I remember someone saying before I started teaching that middle school kids are not as hyper at school as they are at church. This is not the case. They are EVERY BIT as hyper at school. It's been an interesting year so far, for sure. I have enjoyed my kids, as hard as they are to teach, and I have learned a lot from them. For example:

• Always act like you know what you are talking about. If they question you on something, tell them "Research shows that...". They never ask to see the research, and my own personal observations count as research, right?
• You are not as cool as you think you are. I had forgotten about the intricacies of the middle school social structure. It's exhausting! The adult who strays into the world of middle school social politics must always remember the rule of Catch 22 - no matter how cool you might think you are, or actually are to people who are out of college, the simple fact that you are an adult makes you irrevocably uncool, and a simple acknowledgment by you of a certain band or brand will instantly make said band or brand uncool in the eyes of your students. This also goes for any use of middle school slang, although they think it is hilarious for an adult to try, given that it is obvious that the adult is not being serious. To be greeted in public by an adult is a major social faux paux, and I promised them in the first week of school that if I ever see them at the Rave, I will turn my back on them and walk away without a word, for which I was profusely thanked.
• The clothes that are cool one week rarely are the next, and the shoes you wear reveal detailed and insightful personal information, as far as your private allegiances to certain groups, the amount of money your parents make, and how much you care about the opinions of your peers and how hard you will work to act like you don't.

I have more amazing observations to be shared at a later time, but there is a Law and Order marathon I am missing.