Classes I Needed But Never Got in Seminary

I wrote this years ago and just now uncovered it. All entries are inspired by true stories...

Classes I Needed in Youth Ministry but Never Got in Seminary:

Geometry: You have 60 teenagers going on a week long mission to Colorado where they will sleep on the floor. You will be bringing all your own food and over half the group is female – what size trailer do you need?

Fashion: Creating a wardrobe that is respectable, polished, and professional, but is still casual, accessible, and youth-friendly.

Public Relations: Determining how much candy to buy in order for it to be ok for 60 teenagers to use the 7-11 restrooms without damaging your witness. Also includes basic information on how to golf and who to go with, which covers over a multitude of sins.

Communications: Is there a language that both parents and teenagers speak? Also includes how to affectively teach teenagers and parents at the same time, and how to help parents understand what their child is saying, and vice versa.

Accounting: Creating a budget that accounts for lost receipts, kids who want to go on events but can’t afford to, volunteer appreciation and unexpected bus break-downs. Information on why a simple bottom-line number is not enough and “ballpark figures” do not count.

Engineering: How to load a trailer so that everything fits, nothing is crushed, and the first aid box and Adderall are by the door.

Public Safety: What to do when your bus breaks down on the shoulder of I-35 and the kids need a safe place to wait outside before the sun hits the 7th grade boys in the back of the bus.

Home Ec: How to create appropriate outfits out of the clothing packed by your high school girls, and creating balanced meals for up to 100 kids accounting for various food allergies and moral stands against meat.

Physical Education: How to offset a ministry diet of pizza, chips and salsa and frappuccinos and what to do when one van of freshmen boys has had 8 energy drinks in the last 2 hours. Also includes basic instructions understanding, adapting, and refereeing football, basketball, volleyball, and dodgeball.

Basic First Aid: When your class information on how to ref dodgeball fails you.

Law Enforcement: Why it’s not OK to tape a sign to the van window that says “Bomb on Board”, and what to do when your volunteer driver gets pulled over and waved out of the driver’s seat at gunpoint.

Algebra: If you are hosting an event for 200 teenagers, and knowing that soda comes in packs of 24, hot dogs in packs of 8, and hot dog buns in packs of 10, how much food do you buy? Extra credit for chips and cookies.
Also, if A = number of vehicles on a trip, B = Amount of liquid consumed, C = hours the trip should take, and X equal number of mothers on the trip, then AxB/C over X = Number of total stops on trip.

Cryptography: Communicating with teenagers via Instant message, text message, or Blog.

Chemistry: Is it OK for a 15 year old boy to swallow his Ritalin with Red Bull?